Skinny Jeans are for Skinny People.

I think that a large percentage of the population may have missed this particular memo.  I mean, I guess I had just assumed that everyone would be able to grasp this concept.  Clearly, I have been suffering from an acute case of naiveté.  Apparently, lots of people really need to have this explained very slowly to them.  So from a Not So Skinny person, here’s one for all you mall teenagers, over-forty New Jersey moms, and under-forty New Jersey single women out there who are shaped just like me: Skinny Jeans are for Skinny People. 

There.  Was that clear enough?  Maybe I should go slower… 

S k i n n y  j e a n s  a r e  f o r  s k i n n y  p e o p l e.  Better?  I hope so.  Now, before I elaborate further, let me just say that the fact that you are not a skinny person does not mean that you should dress yourself in a feedsack, or your mom’s old maternity clothes, and hide in a corner for the rest of your life.  That’s not what I’m saying at all.  I, at five feet, six inches tall and a rather round 152 pounds myself, am the last person to be chastising someone about their weight.  All I’m saying is that we of the Not So Skinny demographic need to be aware of our bodies. 

So.  Now that the whole kumbaya-hand-holding-self-affirming-everyone-should-feel-good-about-themselves nonsense is out of the way, let me say that feeling confident and dressing your body to look great is possible at any size.  (Oh my god I sound like O Magazine.  Maybe they want to hire me to write for them!  LaToya, I know you have an in there.  Can you please have their people call my people?  Thanks.)  There are plenty of styles out there that work well for us of the Not So Skinny demographic.  But I hate to break it to you - and I’m going to try and let you down gently here - skinny jeans are not one of them.  And they never will be. 

Just because the latest fall fashion comes tripping down the catwalk on a size-zero supermodel and sweeps the nation like Snowpocalypse 2010 does not mean that it’s for everyone.  There’s a reason those models are so skinny.  I remember when Gap brought back the skinny black pant, and their tv ads all featured an Audrey Hepburn look-alike who cavorted around in her skinny black pants in an Audrey Hepburn-like fashion and looked adorable.  The pants looked great!  And they will look great on you, too.  If you look like Audrey Hepburn.  You may have noticed that the ads did not feature a Rosie O’Donnell look-alike. 

Oh, and just on a side-note, here’s something else that everyone should probably know.  If, when you put your jeans on in the morning, you have to do that weird, jumpy-dance and then lay upside-down on the bed to button them, they do not fit you.  They are too small.  Believe me, I’ve been there. 

So, to sum it all up, Keira Knightly may wear skinny jeans.  Hillary Clinton may not.  (No offense, Madame Secretary.)  Oprah circa 1988- yes.  Oprah circa 2010- no.  Blake Lively (I have no idea who that is but I hear her name all the time so she must be young and skinny)- go for it.  That girl who played what’s-her-name in Hairspray- sorry.  Kristen Stewart- please do.  Martha Stewart- please do not.  That's all.  

There, was that so hard?