I think that a large percentage of the population may have missed this particular memo. I mean, I guess I had just assumed that everyone would be able to grasp this concept. Clearly, I have been suffering from an acute case of naiveté. Apparently, lots of people really need to have this explained very slowly to them. So from a Not So Skinny person, here’s one for all you mall teenagers, over-forty New Jersey moms, and under-forty New Jersey single women out there who are shaped just like me: Skinny Jeans are for Skinny People.
There. Was that clear enough? Maybe I should go slower…
S k i n n y j e a n s a r e f o r s k i n n y p e o p l e. Better? I hope so. Now, before I elaborate further, let me just say that the fact that you are not a skinny person does not mean that you should dress yourself in a feedsack, or your mom’s old maternity clothes, and hide in a corner for the rest of your life. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I, at five feet, six inches tall and a rather round 152 pounds myself, am the last person to be chastising someone about their weight. All I’m saying is that we of the Not So Skinny demographic need to be aware of our bodies.
So. Now that the whole kumbaya-hand-holding-self-affirming-everyone-should-feel-good-about-themselves nonsense is out of the way, let me say that feeling confident and dressing your body to look great is possible at any size. (Oh my god I sound like O Magazine. Maybe they want to hire me to write for them! LaToya, I know you have an in there. Can you please have their people call my people? Thanks.) There are plenty of styles out there that work well for us of the Not So Skinny demographic. But I hate to break it to you - and I’m going to try and let you down gently here - skinny jeans are not one of them. And they never will be.
Just because the latest fall fashion comes tripping down the catwalk on a size-zero supermodel and sweeps the nation like Snowpocalypse 2010 does not mean that it’s for everyone. There’s a reason those models are so skinny. I remember when Gap brought back the skinny black pant, and their tv ads all featured an Audrey Hepburn look-alike who cavorted around in her skinny black pants in an Audrey Hepburn-like fashion and looked adorable. The pants looked great! And they will look great on you, too. If you look like Audrey Hepburn. You may have noticed that the ads did not feature a Rosie O’Donnell look-alike.
Oh, and just on a side-note, here’s something else that everyone should probably know. If, when you put your jeans on in the morning, you have to do that weird, jumpy-dance and then lay upside-down on the bed to button them, they do not fit you. They are too small. Believe me, I’ve been there.
So, to sum it all up, Keira Knightly may wear skinny jeans. Hillary Clinton may not. (No offense, Madame Secretary.) Oprah circa 1988- yes. Oprah circa 2010- no. Blake Lively (I have no idea who that is but I hear her name all the time so she must be young and skinny)- go for it. That girl who played what’s-her-name in Hairspray- sorry. Kristen Stewart- please do. Martha Stewart- please do not. That's all.
There, was that so hard?
Holy crap I did it! I made a hyperlink! Oh, this is going to be fun. New toy... stay tuned for further link-tastic posts.
This is a first, you guys. There are still eleven days left until Christmas and 66.6% of my shopping is completed! (Please note that that sentence included a percentage. That is actual math that I did all by myself. Without a calculator. You may praise me.)
I decided that this year, instead of scrambling for ideas at the last possible second of Christmas Eve eve (the eve before Christmas Eve, duh) and then sheepishly handing over the last minute gift only partially concealed in the plastic in which it was bagged at the register, I was going to be on top of things and really think about each person I’m buying for. Giving is, after all, the whole spirit of Christmas. Of course, I have also picked up one or two small items for myself along the way - a fabulous holiday dress with shoes soon to follow, a blackberry, a miniature build-it-yourself replica of Stonehenge - but it was all on sale (except Stonehenge) so it’s okay. I love Christmas!!!
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Would you be so kind as to tell me how to gain admittance into your Kingdom? I wouldn’t be pestering you with this personally, however my attempts to uncover this information myself using the website provided by your government have thus far yielded poor results.
Currently, there appear to be only a few options available to me for obtaining a work visa. You seem to think that I am either A) a non-English speaking unskilled laborer whose dearest ambition is to settle in your country for all time and eternity and while away my hours pruning your hedges, minding your children or cleaning your chimneys, B) a wealthy, suave, ridiculously over-qualified and superb English-speaking business mogul/investor, or C) a soccer star. I mean football star. Right. What I call soccer, you call football. (I’m doing my best to fit in. See? I would be a valuable member of your society.)
I am not any of those things. I have no interest in permanent residence, nor do I want to steal a good job from one of your own hard-working Britons. I merely want to come in and poke around for a few weeks, and earn a little money while I’m doing it so that I don‘t starve to death in the street. If you find me a place at a temp agency, maybe answering phones or filing things in the basement, that’s enough for me.
You have nothing to fear from my presence. I don’t want to move into Windsor Castle or anything, nor am I at this very moment scheming to infiltrate the uppermost reaches of your society by procuring myself a parliamentary seat, then a higher-level government position, and from there staging a coup by handing out all of the moist and juicy government positions I can get my hands on to a horde of savage and uncivilized Americans who pronounce Ts like Ds and can’t tell the difference between real silver and stainless steel cutlery. I just want to stay for a couple of months, and then I’ll leave. I promise.
Maybe you are unsure about how I will be a good temporary asset to your society. Do not worry, I have many positive things that I can bring to the UK! Living in New Jersey for the past 15 years has really given me a leg up in the positive traits department. For instance: do you need a good crime spotter? No problem! I’m from New Jersey. I can spot organized crime a mile away, probably even without my glasses. I hear you have a lot of roundabouts in your country; I have to navigate one of those to get to work every morning, so that is something for which I am already all prepared. (Of course, you will have to be patient as I am not used to driving on the left. I might go around the wrong way the first couple of times, but I am a fast learner so I am sure that I will get the hang of it in no time.) I also already know all about Early Morning Tea, so you can cross that off of your list of things to teach me.
I have other skills as well, such as knowing how to avoid bears while taking out the garbage at night, interpreting pathological diagnoses, speaking rather poor French, crocheting doilies, etc. I am productive, resourceful, observant, have a working knowledge of the Statute of Limitations for asbestos-related personal injury and wrongful death suits in all 50 U.S. states, and can be quiet and unobtrusive when necessary.
Please, Mr. Prime Minister, will you use your secret powers and let me into your country? I really am at a loss as to how to proceed. I appear to have exhausted all of my options. The ball is now in your court. Thank you for your time and anticipated assistance.
Your friend and Hopeful Future Temporary Resident Alien,
Molly Kernan
P.S. If you happen to be looking for someone to edit your Border Agency’s website to remove all superfluous and redundant links and make it less confusing, I would be very interested.
