Dear Mr. Cameron,
Would you be so kind as to tell me how to gain admittance into your Kingdom? I wouldn’t be pestering you with this personally, however my attempts to uncover this information myself using the website provided by your government have thus far yielded poor results.
Currently, there appear to be only a few options available to me for obtaining a work visa. You seem to think that I am either A) a non-English speaking unskilled laborer whose dearest ambition is to settle in your country for all time and eternity and while away my hours pruning your hedges, minding your children or cleaning your chimneys, B) a wealthy, suave, ridiculously over-qualified and superb English-speaking business mogul/investor, or C) a soccer star. I mean football star. Right. What I call soccer, you call football. (I’m doing my best to fit in. See? I would be a valuable member of your society.)
I am not any of those things. I have no interest in permanent residence, nor do I want to steal a good job from one of your own hard-working Britons. I merely want to come in and poke around for a few weeks, and earn a little money while I’m doing it so that I don‘t starve to death in the street. If you find me a place at a temp agency, maybe answering phones or filing things in the basement, that’s enough for me.
You have nothing to fear from my presence. I don’t want to move into Windsor Castle or anything, nor am I at this very moment scheming to infiltrate the uppermost reaches of your society by procuring myself a parliamentary seat, then a higher-level government position, and from there staging a coup by handing out all of the moist and juicy government positions I can get my hands on to a horde of savage and uncivilized Americans who pronounce Ts like Ds and can’t tell the difference between real silver and stainless steel cutlery. I just want to stay for a couple of months, and then I’ll leave. I promise.
Maybe you are unsure about how I will be a good temporary asset to your society. Do not worry, I have many positive things that I can bring to the UK! Living in New Jersey for the past 15 years has really given me a leg up in the positive traits department. For instance: do you need a good crime spotter? No problem! I’m from New Jersey. I can spot organized crime a mile away, probably even without my glasses. I hear you have a lot of roundabouts in your country; I have to navigate one of those to get to work every morning, so that is something for which I am already all prepared. (Of course, you will have to be patient as I am not used to driving on the left. I might go around the wrong way the first couple of times, but I am a fast learner so I am sure that I will get the hang of it in no time.) I also already know all about Early Morning Tea, so you can cross that off of your list of things to teach me.
I have other skills as well, such as knowing how to avoid bears while taking out the garbage at night, interpreting pathological diagnoses, speaking rather poor French, crocheting doilies, etc. I am productive, resourceful, observant, have a working knowledge of the Statute of Limitations for asbestos-related personal injury and wrongful death suits in all 50 U.S. states, and can be quiet and unobtrusive when necessary.
Please, Mr. Prime Minister, will you use your secret powers and let me into your country? I really am at a loss as to how to proceed. I appear to have exhausted all of my options. The ball is now in your court. Thank you for your time and anticipated assistance.
Your friend and Hopeful Future Temporary Resident Alien,
P.S. If you happen to be looking for someone to edit your Border Agency’s website to remove all superfluous and redundant links and make it less confusing, I would be very interested.