Dear Avalon Organics Vitamin C Oil-Free Moisturizer,
Thank you for hydrating my skin! You are so light and smooth, and you make my face feel good. I love the way that you smell like oranges. Or lemons. I’m not very discerning at 6.50am. Either way, you smell delicious, kind of like you would taste really good. But you don’t taste good. (Don’t judge me. I was curious.) That’s okay, because whatever the ingredients are that make you so perfect are likely toxic and would probably kill me if I ate a whole jar of you. One time, I ate a whole tin of Sucrets because they tasted like candy and my mom had to call Poison Control! Did you make yourself taste bad on purpose to keep me safe? That was so thoughtful of you!
Thank you, Avalon Organics Vitamin C Oil-Free Moisturizer, for having a rancid flavor and saving me an embarrassing phone call to Poison Control, and possibly a trip to the emergency room to have my stomach pumped.
Thank you also for your continued efforts to make my skin smooth and silky. Keep up the good work! I will see you tonight after I wash my face. I can't wait!Your friend,Molly
I just plucked the shit out of my eyebrows, you guys. But for some weird reason I decided to only do the middle. So now I look like I’ve had a horrible accident with lighter fluid, or hydrochloric acid, or some other equally destructive substance that’s burned away an inch-wide strip directly above my nose and left a furry furry caterpillar to stand guard on either side. I could fix this. I should fix this. But I don’t think I’m going to. Even though I look like some sort of really surprised Brooke Shields-Groucho Marx hybrid. Shut up. I do what I want.
Dear Fortune Cookie,
Well I hope you’re happy. Not only were you crushed into little tiny pieces before I unwrapped you, you didn’t even have a fortune inside. I was so disappointed.
When I first poured your little broken bits into my hand looking for that coveted slip of paper dictating how I would live my life for the next ten minutes before forgetting about you completely, I was filled with the kind of breathless anticipation one gets right before opening a present on Christmas morning.
I was initially confused when I couldn’t find it, and I immediately went into Justification Mode. “Maybe I just missed it. This cookie is a mess and I ripped into the wrapper with extra enthusiasm. Maybe it just fell on the floor.”
Sifting through your broken pieces again, the justification turned to denial: “Any minute now. I’ll find it. It’s here somewhere, I know it." I grew more and more anxious as I frantically searched under my napkin, in the folds of my pajama pants and on the floor. Where was the reward for finishing my meal? What was I going to do without that little piece of paper chirping out sometimes confused or misspelled but always cheerful statements advising me to “Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned”, or “Always remember to wear your best pants when fighting for freedom”, or “Please visit us at www.wontonfood.com”?
As I lie here on my bed in a state of apathy and despair, slowly and painfully digesting the entire pint of sweet and sour chicken that I wolfed down in a state of giddy anticipation while blissfully unaware that my dinner was about to turn into a bigger disappointment than "Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar", all I have to say, Fortune Cookie, is that I’m very disappointed. This is not the level of service I have come to expect from you. Please take care that this does not happen again. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Sincerely,
Molly
Holy christmas tree you guys, I am so bored. I'm sitting on my bed waiting for inspiration to strike. It's not happening. Help! Usually when I'm bored I read, but I just can't get into Reflections on the Dawn of Consciousness right now.
I have a weird cramp in my thumb. I've never had a thumb cramp before. Oh wait, it's gone now.
I think I ate too much for dinner. I always get really excited whenever mom makes mashed potatoes, and I wind up going a little crazy. I turn into a mashed potato monster and I think that if I was the last person left on earth and the only other person besides me was a chef who only knew how to make mashed potatoes, I would be fine with that. Like, forever.
Today I wanted to write a blog post, but my brain was like: "No!" So instead I'm writing a list of movies who's endings traumatized me so much the first time I saw them that I can never watch them again.
Armageddon
The only part of this movie that I can clearly remember is that scene at the end where Bruce Willis changes places with Liv Tyler's boyfriend at the last second, and is all "Take care of my daughter" or something like that, and then basically just sits down on the asteroid and waits to run out of oxygen, or for the asteroid to explode, whatever comes first. I did not see that coming.
This might be traumatizing to me because one of my biggest fears is dying alone in outer space. I'm not sure why this scares me so much. I'm pretty sure I will never be in outer space. Unless NASA suddenly starts accepting extremely under-qualified musicians with vague aspirations towards the library sciences field into their astronaut program.
The Goonies
I don't even remember why this movie scared me. I just know that it was bad. And I never want to see it again. Call me un-American, call me a traitor to my generation, just don't call me into the room if this movie is on tv.
Titanic
Even though I was fully aware of how this one would end, it still scared the crap out of me. Again, (I'm sensing a theme here), one of my biggest fears is being in extremely deep water with no idea as to what could possibly be lurking under me. Just the thought that any minute I could look over and see a huge whale or maybe a shark is enough to keep me out of the deep end of the pool. And don't even get me started on those aquariums that have the big underground windows where you can see into the tanks. I live in mortal terror of the sperm whale display at the Natural History Museum.
Deep Impact
Space disaster, end of the world, huge tidal wave. Enough said.
E.T.
Don't laugh, you guys. This movie made me so sad that I cried hysterically for two hours after it was over, and had to have my mom sleep in my bed with me that night. Never again.
So now you know what a wuss I am, all thanks to my lazy brain who couldn't come up with a good idea for a post.
WeIl, I had a feeling that Pork wouldn't last too long after Beans died. I was right. At least they are together again...I guess I just wasn't meant to keep aquatic pets alive. I feel so guilty. If you ever see me heading for the fish store again, you had better scream bloody murder until I turn around.
My mom is making hot dogs for dinner and I'm weirdly excited about it. I love hot dogs. Hot dogs hot dogs hot dogs. Eating a hot dog always makes me feel like a little kid. So do these things:
Other Food That Makes Me Feel Like A Child
spam
cinnamon toast
Gortons Fisherman popcorn shrimp
chicken nuggets shaped like other things (dinosaurs, stars, etc.)
frozen vegetables
celery and peanut butter
Kid Cuisine tv dinners
the kind of orange juice that comes frozen in a can and you have to put it in the pitcher and pour cold water over it and then chop it up with a wooden spoon
